By Robert Goldman

Are you happy at work?

Does a smile cross your face every time you skip through the front door? Do you trudge out that same door, eight hours later, counting the minutes before you can once again frolic with your co-workers?

No?

Well, listen: If you’re unhappy, I’m unhappy. And so is your boss.

Like me, your manager has surely read “Creating a Happier Workplace is Possible – and Worth It,” a recent article by Jennifer Moss in the Harvard Business Review.

Citing research from Oxford University, author Moss reveals “a causal link between happy workers and a 13% increase in productivity.” On the flip side, “unhappiness at work costs the world $7.8 trillion in lost productivity, equal to 11% of global Gross Domestic Product.”

Now, I’ve seen your product, and it is pretty gross. Still, I don’t think you should feel guilty about tanking the economy. It’s the job of your managers to make you happy. They probably won’t take you to Disneyland, though it certainly wouldn’t hurt to ask, but there are three steps they could take to turn that frown upside-down.

OK, Eeyore of the office, let’s step to it.

No. 1: (Re)imagine Flexibility

It used to be that all it took to make you happy was a fancy title, a ginormous salary, a boatload of stock options and lots of luxurious perks, like free membership in the company’s Taxidermy Club, and exciting in-office events promoting self-care. (“Hey! It’s Colonoscopy Tuesday!”)

Not anymore.

What matters now is flexibility, which is defined as “shift-sharing, remote work options, and staggered start times.” (Not so sure of the last one. I’ve seen you staggering in at start time and you didn’t seem all that happy.)

Considering that so many CEOs have gone off the rails, commanding workers to come back to the office, or else, the probability of anyone believing that these fire-breathing executive autocrats now endorse remote work is, well, remote. Instead, my recco for high-level managers is to point out the fantastic options their employees already enjoy.

Like the flexibility to use paper clips or staples — your choice! And what about the flexibility to have bad coffee with Snickerdoodle nondairy creamer or bad coffee with Mushroom Coconut nondairy creamer?

Anyone who isn’t happy with that kind of flexibility is simply a Negative Norbert and doesn’t deserve to be employed by a company that’s all about fun, flexibility and nondairy creamer.

No. 2: (Re)Build Belonging

Team meetings have increased 252% since prepandemic days. Zoom users have grown by 2,900%. We’ve never been more connected, and we’ve never been more lonely.

“Some 20% of adults worldwide say they have no one to turn to in their hour of need,” says Jon Clifton, the CEO of Gallup. Statistics on the job are even more depressing. “Only three in 10 workers have a best friend at work,” according to Jennifer Moss. That leaves seven out of 10 workers who need a friend, stat.

Here’s where you step in. Find seven friendless, hopeless co-workers. The HR department is full of them. Tell each one you want to be their BFF. Pinky-promise to spread nasty rumors about your other six best friends, making them your best best friend. At this point, announce that you need to borrow $500, which you won’t be paying back, because that’s what friends are for.

Of course, if they’d like to go back to being friendless and alone, that can be arranged for $250.

No. 3: (Re)Store purpose

Companies need to show their commitment to shared, deeply held values. During the darkest days of COVID-19, one of Fortune magazine’s “Best Workplace in the World” winners, Hilton, gave away a million room nights to first responders. This tied workers and management together through an “intrinsic connection to why we are there.”

Imagine how proud employees at a pest-control company would be to learn that management was giving away a million free termites to people who couldn’t afford to buy termites of their own? And who wouldn’t be happy to work at a dental office that gives its employees free root canals, whether they needed them or not?

It reminds me of the shared goals in our relationship.

You’re here to waste a few minutes of your workday. I’m here to tell your boss that you’re a deeply unhappy and resentful employee who is out to sink the company by using pricey paperclips and luxury nondairy creamers.

This may make you and your manager miserable, but it makes me happy, and isn’t that what counts?